A few political spin-cycles back I got the the idea that I should stop looking at public policy through various ideological filters, but instead take a more utilitarian approach: Was it good? Was it workable? Who benefits? Who suffers? What are the results?
This approach has served me well, and helped me keep my head — and my manners — during all sorts of interactions. It steers the discussion to more concrete concerns, away from the theoretical, the cliche talking points, the ad hominem attacks. I’d recommend it.
But what’s that to do with Tony?
Well, Tony was goalz. Tony was tops. Tony was what so many of us aspired to be. He was a light at the end of this grinding grown-up tunnel, a taut and sinewy promise of better days yet to come.
Yes, the great Anthony Bourdain! The giver of much hope to me and my ilk — we the wrinkling, the fast-greying, the corner-turning white males. Second acts, unflagging energy, ease in the presence of tatted-up nubility! It all seemed possible when Tony did it, a mere act of will.
But we all know how it ended, don’t we? We all know that it didn’t really work, or didn’t work well enough. The endgame didn’t play out, didn’t fit, didn’t go according to plan. If his plane crashed, if he was stranded mysteriously at sea or lost in a jungle, we’d understand. If some sneaky smoke-born cancer struck him down, so what?
If Tony was felled by the failings of liver and kidneys, if he succumbed to some once-banished or exotically venomous virus, if his agent released a co-morbid and hopeless diagnosis announcing his imminent demise, this would make sense! Any of a thousand noble ends — well-earned by living too much, too loud, too often — these we’d accept, even celebrate. That was Tony doing Tony. Tony ’til the end.
But a self-inflicted escape? A final lonely bow in a Parisian hotel, just hours before the cameras rolled again, ready to document our fantasy? No, no. That won’t do. Seems the opposite, does it not? Seems like the trick was on him after all, and if on him, then on all of us too.
Look around. We’ve all known a few Tonys by now. Probably know a dozen more Tonys in waiting. For there’s some Tony in many of you, my friends, and a little Tony in me too. This is concerning, and I don’t say that lightly. Be excellent to each other.
So let us return now to the cold comfort of our analysis. Let us take solace in our utilitarian calculations. Let us input the Philosophy of Tony — his creed of open-hearted adventure — and put it to the test. Pull the tape! Check the results!
Will we find that it failed?
I think so. And I really don’t know what to do with that. I still can’t clearly see the problem. There seems to be no way to isolate the bug in the system, to fix this in-born glitch lying latent in our fleshy code. Even the most enlightened among us feel it lurking from time to time, hear the occasional snarl in grey-morning half-light, kneel and petition for perseverance.
Still, every experiment bears repeating. Every study must be re-run for the sake of settled science. On this one I feel certain that further testing must be done. CNN, if you’re listening: Call me up. I volunteer.
